My name is Ian Traynar, and I live in Hampshire, UK. I call myself a Christian, by which I mean the term used in the Bible in Acts 11:26 for followers of Jesus and his teachings. I have had, and continue to have, a wide dialogue with those of different beliefs who are exploring the spiritual journey. In latter years I have felt more comfortable following a contemplative lifestyle and it has been a rediscovery of the power of solitude that has spurred me on. In particular it has been the developing of interior silence that has linked me so elegantly with many other people exploring the same silence.
Below is the relevant chronological history of my spiritual journey to date:
My beginnings (part 1)
It feels like I was born with a heart after God (I wonder who was praying for me). I thank my parents for my introduction to the Christian faith at a very young age, and by the time I was 13yrs old a ‘spiritual crisis’ pushed me to ask the help of the minister of the church I attended, the Rev. Reg Spooner! It was he who introduced me to meditation and silence. He gave me a copy of a small book entitled Stillness and Strength and Contemplative Meditation by Marion Dunlop (priced 2s 9d)! At the time I didn’t realise how prolific this author was, but she had founded the Fellowship of Meditation which, by the way, is still offering support today (see link). I began to still my mind by using small phrases like ‘My peace I give unto you’ (Jesus’ words in John 14:27). Then I began to use abstract words like glory or holy which had the effect of not hooking my mind at all, and gradually I developed a sense of God, His peace, the silence beyond my thinking. I began to have what I can only describe as ‘consciousness experiences’ during the day, like a very conscious ‘in the now’ day-dream. If I stopped my thinking as I walked home from school or scouts, I could actually sense the now – a sense that I was actually alive, in my body, right here and now. I could sense the whole of creation around me in a similar reality – it was amazing.
As I developed into my teens so the normal activities and themes of being a teenager took over, but occasionally I would still enjoy practising these intense ‘consciousness experiences’. Later when I went to college to study as a teacher, I pursued and deepened my knowledge and practise of prayer by reading all the classics on prayer at the time (lots of EM Bounds’ books, Brother Lawrence’s Practising the Presence, The Cloud of Unknowing, etc). At times it was like the writer of The Cloud was almost speaking directly off the page to me, the student. I became prayer secretary of our Christian Union. I learnt that to be sincere in prayer meant allowing God to work in you a prayerful life. At 21yrs of age I had a very private but extremely dramatic experience of being filled with the Holy Spirit and suddenly ‘speaking in other tongues’ (ask me about it sometime – very funny story too). This if nothing else made me realise how real God was, and also how much he wanted to communicate with and hear the longing of the hearts of women and men. And we could use His language – of the Spirit and silence…
My beginnings (part 2)
I left college and started teaching. I found that the more I prayed and meditated the more this longing for God grew, and the more my heart worshipped this great God. For me God was very real. As I look back I see this longing was placed there by the Holy Spirit. After about ten years my faith in this real God was strong, and I took the decision to give up my work as a teacher and follow this passion for God on a full time basis – no fixed income! I gave myself to understanding more and speaking about worship, teaching that worship wasn’t about singing songs and meetings, but was in fact a way of life. My teaching and seminars went under the title of LifeSong. Around this time another book made a huge impact on me, Morton Kelsey’s The Other Side of Silence (published 1976). There I read, ‘today most of us are so caught up in the outer, material world that we forget that there is a nonmaterial inner or spiritual realm of existence. Our task is to come to know that realm again, and to realise that in it one can find sustaining and fulfilling experiences of God that give direction to the whole of life. Unless there is some such reality that can be reached, how can prayer itself make much sense? Why pray, if one is only calling out blindly into the void? Yet through meditation, one can touch and come to know the reality of the Other who is actually there.’ This was becoming my reality. It was around this time that I came across the writings of Fr. Thomas Merton (more of him in future blogs). In similar vein later I came across his Contemplation in a World of Action where he says, ‘In the center of ones’s nothingness one meets the infinitely real.’ Looking back I would say in addition to what is normally understood by prayer (intercession, thanksgiving, supplication, confession, etc) I was beginning to develop what some would call ‘interior prayer’ (NB in the past it is also called ‘mental prayer’ but I prefer the term ‘interior prayer’).
In the nineties I trained as an osteopath, and this work opened a new window on being human. I came into contact with the profound effects our Western lifestyle has on the human body. We call it stress. I trained as a stress management consultant and surprise, surprise, learnt numerous relaxation techniques – mostly involving slowing the breathing down, letting go of muscular tension, and meditation and visualisation techniques. As I practised these techniques I found they weren’t so far away from the methods I’d learnt as a teenager! I also discovered many people all searching for ways to relax, craving some escape from the busy-ness of life. Some tasted the silence (say on a retreat), but then were quickly whisked back into their mad, insane world. To an extent I was caught up with the busy-ness too. For me I found that being busy or what I later discovered was an addiction to work, was in fact (like any addiction) a running away from the pain inside. In fact for some of us it is too painful to witness the silence – and this is where cultivating interior silence reaches into the psychological world. It can be a major pathway of inner healing from that pain. Now my spiritual journey, and particularly in respect of pursuing silence, was gathering some momentum. I was privileged to be asked in 1996 to work for the Bristol Cancer Help Centre (now Penny Brohn Cancer Care). The centre offers an alternative approach to cancer care. The Bristol Approach, as it was then known, focussed on various therapies and self-help techniques aimed at lowering the stress factors on the body while good nutrition, supplementation and visualisation strengthen the immune system in its battle against the cancerous cells. I was amazed to hear how powerful some of the techniques were in this regard, confirming the efficacy of meditating, visualisation, and stilling the mind for health…
My beginnings (part 3)
Around the beginning of the noughties while discussing such matters with an osteopathic client of mine, I was introduced to another life-changing book for many, Eckhart Tolle’s book The Power of Now. I experienced that thrill of reading someone who was articulating similar experiences to my own. Although I have differing views about some of Tolle’s teaching, in practising ‘being in the now’, I experienced profound periods of not being attached to my thinking. I discovered that during such times (or not times), the low level of anxiety that churned my stomach would vanish. Together with my prayer, and practising relaxation techniques maybe 20 mins a couple of times a day, I was finding something of a solution to my own stresses and strains of life. I was beginning to use the mind for the right task, and not let it dominate every waking moment – to use Tolle’s words I had found the ‘off button’. Time for another important book on the journey which helped shape my spiritual experience, namely, Margaret Silf’s Landmarks. Here I was introduced to Ignatian Spirituality in a way that simply re-enforced all I had learnt to date. I also started reading and listening to some of the work of Fr. Thomas Keating (again more in future blogs).
In 2007 I made a life-changing decision – and another landmark! Looking back it fitted with a pattern of change that had occurred before. It seems that every 20 yrs I make a radical move of physical location. On this occasion it was a move to Hampshire. Arriving in a new environment I was full of expectation and energy. However as time unfolded I found myself quite isolated, with few friends, and very lonely. This was certainly not what I was expecting, and yet as I prayed I was forced in a way to admit that God was stripping me back further. It was not only a time for de-cluttering (often moves can provide this opportunity), but also a time for looking at unconscious attachments. My experience of loneliness was painful. In this pain I was again presented with a way out in the form of another book. This time it was the timely reading of Henri Nouwen’s classic Reaching Out. In the first section called ‘Reaching out to our Innermost Self’, he describes the first movement – From Loneliness to Solitude. The first chapter starts, ‘It is far from easy to enter into the painful experience of loneliness. You like to stay away from it. Still it is an experience that enters into everyone’s life at some point.’ It felt like I had drifted into it by accident. I certainly didn’t see it coming – and did I complain about it (ask the one or two friends around me at the time!). I was forced to reflect again. For over 40yrs I had not only experienced a bustling urban life, but pretty much constantly I had experienced strong community. All of a sudden both were gone. I tried searching for a community, but all my attempts met with failure. Gradually, I realised, God was putting his finger on another aspect of attachment. However important community and friendship was/is, I was reaching out to community to meet a hidden unconscious need. As soon as I saw this I was able to do what I had learnt to do all my life – let go. Almost immediately I was invited to turn my loneliness into solitude. Nouwen says, ‘By attentive living we can learn the difference between being present in loneliness and being present in solitude.’ Suddenly I wasn’t lonely anymore, and the dryness that had crept into my spiritual life was changing. I began using the opportunity of quietness in my apparently lonely home, for developing further the interior silence…
My beginnngs (part 4)
By this time I was becoming very acquainted with the work of Fr. Thomas Keating. Although I had and still do have questions about some of the theology underpinning his teaching, I found with my background understanding of contemplative prayer I was able to interpret the methods offered in a Holy Spirit-guided practise, which began to enrich my prayer life immeasurably. I will comment and invite dialogue in future blogs about the teaching and principles of Centering Prayer (see US info), but for now I can say it provides me with a wonderful launch pad for experiencing God in silence and for continuing to develop a contemplative life. It provides a balance between on the one hand, a deepening union with God in silence, with on the other reaching out to a needy world with love and compassion in action or service (right in the heart of much of Merton’s work).
Bringing things right up to date, I have just concluded a 10-day silent retreat (July 2010). Practising silent prayer for 10 days was a fine experience. Having the opportunity to pray for a number of hours a day and also live the rest of the time developing this interior silence I now see as a privilege. I witnessed the same absence of that low level anxiety I mentioned before. What’s more it hasn’t come back. At first I was concerned about its absence. Something didn’t ‘feel’ right. Until one morning in prayer I was reminded that often when we make and hold through with major changes – the new doesn’t ‘feel’ right – it feels weird; because the old way of doing life (in this case, worrying, being anxious) does feel so familiar and therefore right, this new experience will ‘feel’ wrong or strange.
So the interior silence is here to stay – the back drop to everything. This blog is my public attempt to a) share my experience of interior silence, then b) to explore with anyone else who is willing how we can maintain this state or stage as normality in our crazy, insane, mind-dominated Western world.
Very touching and inspiring Ian. It left me with a hunger for more silence,
a path I seem to have wandered from in the last couple of years.
Look forward to hearing more.
Feel to give you,
‘You will show me the way of life,
granting me the joy of your presence and the pleasures of living with you forever.’
Psalm 16 v 11.
Hi Ian,
Thanks for sharing all this about yourself – I don’t know if you will ever see this as the last comments look as if they were made in 2010. I’ve come across many of the authors you mention but I would like to recommend a little book if I may for not only yourself but your readers too. It’s called ‘Finding your hidden treasure – the way of silent prayer – written by Benignus O’Rourke or Ben for short. It’s an excellent introduction to silent prayer and practising being sti before God.
Maureen
Thanks for sharing Maureen. Also I agree, this is a fantastic book and a brilliant introduction to silent prayer.